The Word of the Emperor
by Swallow Tale
Summary: Darth Vader has finally found the rebels, and more importantly his son. But he brings news to the Emperor that does not make him happy.


**A What the Heck Were We Thinking Production**  
><strong>Star Wars: The Word of the Emperor<strong>  
><strong>Written by Swallow Tale and Shade Nightingale<strong>

"Making the world dumber, one fanfic at a time."

**A note from the Authors: In this story, all of Darth Vader's dialogue has been put into a bold font. This represents the effect of his vocal modulator, which makes him sound dark, robotic, and suspiciously like James Earl Jones.**

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><p>-SW-<p>

Darth Vader had done it. After years of tracking the rebels down, he had found them, and most importantly his son. The Sith Lord fixed his brown fedora hat on his head and looked down at his trench coat that he was wearing over his usual black suit.

He turned to look at himself in a mirror.

"**I look absolutely perfect,"** said Darth Vader to himself. "**None shall recognize me! Behold my true power!**"

Darth Vader was going under cover as the Rebel's newest pilot under the orders of the Emperor. He was going to see his son at last.

Darth Vader arrived at the base, and he walked around the rebel's base for a while looking for Luke. He spotted someone going the opposite direction of where he was walking.

"**Excuse me, but do you perhaps have any idea where my So- I mean Luke Skywalker is located**?" Vader asked.

"Skywalker?" the man inquired back. "Oh right, you're talking about that guy who blew up the Death Star and confronted Vader!"

"**Yes, that is the one whom I seek. Not Darth Vader, whom I clearly am not**."

"Clearly," agreed the rebel. "Yeah, he's about to get on the Millennium Falcon and head off to find a friend of his, er, Captain Solo I believe. Just go down that hall and take a left and go forward from there, you'll find it. Right next to the Darth Vader dartboard. Throw a few if you like!"

"**Very good**," the Dark Lord replied and continued down the hall, making a mental note to Force choke that particular rebel when he got a chance.

"By the way!" the man called out. "I love the hat!"

When he reached the hanger he spotted the Millennium Falcon and made his way toward the ship. He walked on to see Luke, Leia, and Lando having a discussion. Several unknown rebels were loading some things on the ship; possibly food. Darth Vader walked up to the trio. He cleared his throat.

"**Hem. Er, a-hem hem**."

Luke, Leia, and Lando turned and looked at Vader.

"Can we help you?" Leia asked.

"**Actually, I am here to help you. I'm the…uh**…" Vader paused and brought out a piece of paper from his trench coat and read what was on it.

"**I'm the brilliant young new pilot that has been chosen to help you retrieve your friend from Jabba the Hutt**."

"Great!" Luke exclaimed brightly. "We need all the help we can get."

"What's your name?" Leia inquired.

"**My name is, eh, Chad…Sky…runner**," Vader replied.

"Wow! Your last name is almost exactly like mine, except not!" cried Luke excitedly.

"**Yes, Skyrunner is my name. I was never once a Jedi known as Anakin Skywalker nor am I in any way your father. I am just a pilot. I am not secretly Darth Vader in disguise**," Vader told Luke.

The three just stared blankly at Vader.

Luke recovered first. "That's great!" he said beaming, slapping Vader on the shoulders. "Great to have you along!

A Rebel walked up behind Luke and the other two carrying a box in his hands.

"Hey Luke, where do you want…Oh my Gawd, it's Darth Vad-" The man grabbed his throat as he started to choke; pointing at Vader wildly as Vader Force chocked him. Luke, Leia, and Lando turned toward the Sith Lord in puzzlement. But once they turned around to face Vader, he had quickly put his hand down and stopped using the Force. The three turned around to look at the Rebel who was on the floor breathing in precious oxygen.

"What's gotten into you, Rash?" Lando asked.

"Can't you idiots see?" Rash yelled. "He's Darth Va-" Once again Rash grabbed his throat as he started choking again, he then felt the Force push him back and the trio watched in shock as he crashed through the glass front window.

"Rash!" Luke shouted. "That's odd, why would Rash jump out the window like that?"

"**It seems your friend is not feeling well**," Vader explained.

"Yeah, it probably wasn't a good idea to make him work the night shift," said Luke.

"**Yes, well I must go and do pilot…things**."

"Do you need any help?" Lando offered.

"**That will not be necessary, I can manage alone**," said Vader as he walked away.

Luke, Leia, and Lando watched as Vader left.

"What a nice guy," said Luke.

"Yeah, but he sure is an oddball," agreed Leia. "I did like his voice though. It sounded really manly."

"I liked the hat, too," said Luke.

"Yeah, makes him look spiffy," Lando cut in.

Luke and Leia looked at Lando as if he had said something that made him look crazy.

"_Spiffy_?" Leia asked.

"Yeah, c'mon Lando, nobody says that anymore," said Luke.

"Well excuse me for trying to give our new ally a complement," Lando said defensively.

Leia shook her head.

"I wonder what kind of pilot "stuff" Chad is doing?" Luke wondered.

-SW-

Darth Vader entered into what appeared to be some kind of basement. Vader set out a portable holograph system and then after setting it up stepped back and kneeled. A bright bluish hologram of the Emperor appeared.

"**My Master I have found the**-"

"Who are you? You're not Lord Vader! You're an imposter!" the Emperor interjected. "How did you get this number? I told you before; I don't care how cute they are! I _don't want to buy anymore My Little Ponies_! I have twelve already! And furthermore…"

"**Master, it is I**," interrupted Vader, taking off his hat.

"Oh, Lord Vader, forgive me. I didn't recognize you under that _spiffy _newhat,"

"Spiffy?"

"Yeeesss, spiffy," hissed the Emperor.

"**Master, no one says spiffy anymore**."

"Well of course they do. Spiffy is a very cool word."

"**Since when? The start of the Old Republic**?"

"Are you mocking me, Lord Vader?" The Emperor asked with displeasure.

"**Of course not, my Master**,"

"It is a cool word."

"**Of course it is, my Master**." Even under a helmet with a voice modulator, Darth Vader's sarcasm was unmistakable.

"Fine! I'll prove it to you!" The Emperor looked to his left to where a red guard was standing. "You! Guard!"

"My name's Princess," said the guard.

The Emperor looked at the guard with the most peculiar of faces. He blinked once. Then he shook his head violently.

"Fine, Princess! Just come here!"

Princess took out a skate board from inside his robe and skated his way toward the Emperor.

"What's up, Dude?" Princess asked. The Emperor closed his eyes and pretended he didn't see that.

"Tell me something. If you thought something was cool or "far out" would you say it was…oh, I don't know…spiffy?"

"No, I would just say it was "cool" or "radical". "Rad" is the word everybody says now," said Princess.

"No," said the Emperor with shock and disbelief.

Vader cleared his throat.

"**Anyway Master, the rebels are**—

"Not now Lord Vader! We must find out when _spiffy_became obsolete!

"**But**-

The Emperor pushed a button on his chair and while holding it said:

"Send in the Imperial Officers!"

Three Imperial officers rolled into the Emperor's chamber on roller skates. They rolled around the Emperor's chamber a few times before two of them skidded to a halt in front of the Emperor's throne. The third did a mid-air 360 and landed beautifully before colliding with the other officers and crashing them into a wall. The three officers untangled themselves and stood at attention as if nothing had happened.

"Yes, Emperor," said the one in the middle, saluting as his broken glasses fell off his face.

The Emperor looked at them and pointed down at their roller skates. "Where did you get…oh, never mind! I have an important question to ask you all…" He paused. The three officers braced themselves.

"When did 'spiffy' become…dated?"

"Like a long time ago, man. When the Old Republic first started," said the brown headed officer to the left of the officer in the middle.

"So what would you call something if you thought it was…cool?" The Emperor asked them.

"We would say that it was totally _RAD_!" they officers exclaimed together

"So, you wouldn't in any way say it was…_spiffy?_"

"Uh…no," said the red headed officer to the right of the other two.

The Emperor leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin in thought. He then looked at Vader.

"I have a new mission for you, my friend; find out when _spiffy_became…antiquated.

"**But what about the rebels, my Master**?" Darth Vader asked, a note of exasperation in his voice.

The Emperor thought about this.

"Yeeesss," hissed the Emperor. "Good thinking, Lord Vader. We should ask the rebels about spiffy! Ask every single rebel; make sure you get an answer and then report back to me with what they know."

"**But my Master what about capturing my**-

The Emperor cut the link.

-**Son**," Darth Vader finished. Vader sighed. He hated it when his Master got into these moods. He still had bad memories from when the Emperor had made him find out why "The Beverly Hillbillies" got canceled.

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><p>-SW-<p>

The Emperor looked at the officers. Princess was down there with them, learning to figure skate. He was getting the hang of the mid-air twirls.

"Now," said the Emperor. "Where can I buy a pair of those _rad_roller skates?"

"Uh, dude, where have you been? The word _Rad_ is so five seconds ago," said Princess, matter-of-factly. "The word everyone now says is…_spiffy!"_

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><p>-ST &amp; SN-<p>

What do you guys think…Bad…Horrible…Okay? IDK my friend Shade and I worked pretty hard on this so, I hope it gave you guys a laugh. This story takes place after the "Empire Strikes Back" and before "Return of the Jedi." I based it off a Star Wars book I got Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire. When we read the back of the book a part of it almost sounded really odd; it read and I am quoting: "As Princess Leia mounts a rescue mission including Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrissian, and a brilliant young pilot, Darth Vader pits himself against a cunning and ruthless rival."

So you see? Kinda sounded like Darth Vader was the pilot. So it got us thinking… what would happen if he was the pilot? And that's how we got into all this. Now we actually acted this whole FF out before I decided it had to be on FF! I kept saying the word 'spiffy' for some reason. And then I asked Shade why I kept saying it and he was like IDK. And I was like, sounds like something the Emperor would say from Star Wars and so we added that word in and it just went on from there. And it was so much fun to act it out because Shade has probably the best Emperor Palpatine impersonation I have ever met! He like nails it! I even have his impersonation recorded on my phone. It's awesome! By the way if you would like us to do another part to this, we would be more than delighted. We're more than likely going to do other FF's of some sort so be on the look out, alrighty. ^^ Better bring this note to a close. Shade got anything you would like to add?

_SN: Yes. You're_ _grammar is terrible._

ST: Always with the negative with u isn't it!

SN: _Well, it isn't my fault your penmanship looks like word-vomit. I blame the internet for this… In any case, I am pleased with this work of fiction. We tried to keep Vader and the Emperor in character (sort of) and tried to follow continuity (sort of). For everything else you fanboys and fangirls might call foul on, we claim dramatic license. So please, DON'T HUNT US DOWN AND KILL US!_

ST: You're kidding right? They are as 'bout in character as…something _not_in character and I doubt any one is going to hunt us down and-

Angry Mob: Hey! There they are! Let's kill 'em!

SN: _(points at ST) "Don't look at me! She wrote it!"_

ST: It wasn't my fault! Now we got an angry mob after us!

Mob: "They blaspheme the name of Star Wars! Kill them! Kill them!"

SN: _"Step aside, I shall deal with this". (Raises his hands and cackles maniacly as he shoots red force lightning from his fingertips) "Bwah-ha-ha-heh-heh! Feel the power!"_

ST: No Shade! Don't let hatred control you! (pulls out lightsabor and activates it.) We'll fight them off the right way! By chopping off their heads with our lightsabors in the name of Justice!

SN: _Yes, indeed. By the way, your lightsaber is a beautiful shade of crimson_.

ST: (Blushing) Thank you! ^^ It's my favorite color.

Angry Mob: (getting up from the floor, groaning) "Sith! Sith! Kill them! Kill them!"

SN: _I think not_. (pulls out green ring and puts it on his middle finger) _In brightest daze…er, in darkest blight, no bad stuff shall escape my, eh, gaze. Green Lantern's ring thingy!_ (Bright green energy shoots out of his ring, and blasts the angry mob of nerds back into the next comic con) _Well, that takes care of that_.

ST: Well that's good. I don't like hurting people. And I'm not a Sith! I just like the color; many people get so confused over that. And where did you get that ring?

SN: _Off of eBay. Well, I'm off to go read a book or something. Until I lift a pen again!_(disappears mysteriously into the shadows)

ST: Same here! (waves happily) I got to go fight evil and keep balance to the force! Hooray! (pulls out long black cape and slaps a bat insignia on chest) I'm Batman! (Slips away into darkness and then hits a wall) Ow! Fine! I'll just go out the front door! I guess I can't hav a cool disappearance scene like Shade! Everyone please pity me! Anyway…Have a splendid, wonderful, happy, _spiffy_day! Peace out everyone!

-Swallow Tale

-_Shade Nightingale_


End file.
